Dr. Douglas Weiss is a nationally known author, speaker, and licensed psychologist. He is the Executive Director of Heart-to-Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs. Dr. Weiss is a frequent guest in the national television, radio, and print media and a prolific writer on marriage, addiction, and self-help topics. He is the author of more than twenty books on marriage, men’s issues, addiction recovery, and self-help.

Clean

A PROVEN PLAN for MEN COMMITTED TO SEXUAL INTEGRITY

Thomas Nelson

Contents

Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

A Dirty War Declared

Legend has it that there was a day not so long ago whenmen were more sexually pure. There was a day when a mangave his word on his wedding day to forsake all others, andhe did exactly what he said he would do. He stayed marriedand faithful to the wife God gave to him to cherish. Inthat day, it was expected that men would keep their word totheir wives and to others. A man was as good as his word,as the stories say.

There was a day when a man would run from wickedwomen and avoid the porn store located on the dirty side oftown. Some with grey hair still talk of the era when a man'sword was as good as gold. Then the war started. This wasn'ta conventional war with bombs, planes, and navy ships,raised by some faraway nation. This war was raised againstus, the church and our culture, from the very pit of hell itself.

The enemy of our souls began a sexual campaign—oras we would later call it, a sexual revolution. This campaignwould question the very core biblical view of sexuality. Thevicious weapons of pornography, drugs, and sexual immoralitywere raised against our educational institutions andchurches, and the onslaught spread throughout the land.The fight pitted sons and daughters against the truths andvalues of their parents and grandparents like no other culturalwar in the history of mankind. These young peopletalked of free love, or rather free sex. Pornography was a rightand sex was a right without consequences or responsibilities.

This mind-set developed in many ways over the nextdecades. The Internet has taken this sexual combat to everyhome, computer, and cell phone. For most of us men, pornographyis only a click away, and it grants the enemy'sarmy easy access to our hearts, lives, and families.

This has an impact on every church in this great nationand many nations around the world. Some churches areactive in the fight against sexual sin, and some have no ideathey are in a war; half or more of their men are dead insidebecause their silent sins are keeping them from reachingtheir full destiny in Christ.

Clean is a solution manual for all of you engaged in thisgreat war. You didn't ask for it; you just happened to be bornwhen the enemy declared murderous intentions on you andyour family, church, and nation. You had no say, but youare called to help our God set free a generation. No churchcommunity in history has had to reckon with such anintense and sophisticated inundation of sexual perversity.And we are God's only warriors in this battle. Our culturesays we are crazy to believe God's Word about sexual fidelityand purity, whether we are single or married.

If we win this war together, we might see a return toChristian sexual values in our culture. We might return toa day when sexual purity is the standard once again, andperversion is seen for the damaging entity it really is. AfterI share with you some sobering statistics about our precarioussituation, I will take you through this warrior's manualto help you get and stay free your entire life, and to helpyour brothers in Christ.

I write this handbook from a place of absolute compassion.I never met my father. I was placed in foster homes,sexually abused, and fully sexually addicted as a teen andyoung adult. I know the damages of this enemy personally.This soldier has the scars and has experienced the shame offeeling flawed and disconnected from God and the body ofChrist, much like many of you do. The memories of this warare real for me, and so is the victory I will share with you infuture pages. Victory is so much sweeter, since this is whatGod has made each of us for—victory!

I have been sexually clean for more than twenty-fiveyears. I have not masturbated, viewed pornography, or hadany sexual behavior outside of my marriage. My clean lifestylehas been validated repeatedly by a polygraph, so I amtelling you the truth man to man, soldier to soldier.

You may ask, "Why a polygraph?" Well, several yearsago when my pastor fell sexually, one of the female groupleaders in my office began to wonder who she could trust.After all, her husband was unfaithful and her pastor as wellas mine was also unfaithful. She sincerely asked me if I wasreally clean. I wanted everyone to know the other cliniciansin my office as well as myself are clean. So all of the counselorsagreed to take a polygraph annually to verify our yearsof sexual freedom. We felt that this was the least we coulddo for those hurt by this pastor's falling.

In the last two decades of counseling men who weresexually addicted, their wives, and families who wereimpacted by the man's addiction, I have seen the ravagesof this war. You could fill a room with the tears I havewitnessed from the men, women, and children who havebeen wounded. I have also seen the miracle of men gettingclean and staying clean and their marriages andfamilies healed, and I have written several books relatedto sexual addiction. I am considered an expert in thefield of recovery, having appeared on Oprah, Dr. Phil, andmany other national television shows, and I've even hada Lifetime Network movie made about our treatment forsex addicts called Sex, Lies and Obsession. I am also thepresident of the American Association for Sex AddictionTherapy (AASAT). We train and certify counselors andlife coaches to help those who struggle with sexual addictionboth nationally and internationally.

The book you're holding contains tested and tried weaponsfor you to get and stay clean, not for a week, month, oryear, but for the rest of your life. Our culture needs mencommitted to win this war, today more than ever, and myprayer is that you would answer that call, for those you loveand who trust you to be a man of God.

I am now going to take you through an introduction torelevant facts and statistics, and then in the following chaptersgive you the tools to be that sexually clean man youdeserve to be. Even if you never struggled in this area, pleaseread and join the men who need help to see them crossover the finish line and hear "well done, good and faithfulservant," by our precious Lord and master Jesus Christ(Matthew 25:23).

Statistics

Many of us older guys grew up in a totally different worldthan the one we have today. In those days, you were likelyto never see porn in your adolescence, unless you had anadult neighbor or family member who left it around. Todaypornography is available on every cell phone connectedto the Internet and on computers everywhere, and thatdoesn't even include the magazines on full view at conveniencestores.

So, how big is this monster we are talking about?One comprehensive online article, "Internet PornographyStatistics," compiled by Jerry Ropelato, has much to sayabout this. Unless otherwise noted, the facts in this sectionare attributed to this resource. It's a great way to get abroad overview of this subject.

I don't know about you, but I think three thousand dollarsa second is a lot of money. In one hour, that would add upto $10,800,000. Given those statistics, you don't have to bea mathematician to understand porn brings in an enormousincome per year. Sadly, some of this money is coming rightout of the wallets of churchgoers. Let's look at the moneybeing spent on a national scale.

Now that we have seen some of the financial aspectsof pornography, let's walk through frequency and scope ofInternet searches on sex and porn, as well as get a broaderlook at the sexual side of the Internet.

America leads the way as the top producer of video andDVD pornography. Also, we are number one in porn Webpages. In 2006, the United States had 244,661,900 pornWeb pages. The next largest producer of porn pages isGermany, with ten million porn Web pages. This dubioustype of world leadership on pornography has come to passduring many of our lifetimes. This tragedy signals a shiftin history. I am sure you agree leading the world on thismatter is not the leadership you and I desire for our nationor for our children. The question is, what will we do withthis battle? Will we fight it, be taken captive by it, or simplyignore this attack on God's bride, the church?

Men and Pornograpy

Now let's take a short look at some realities about menand pornography viewing. The Internet Filter LearningCenter (2008) states "It is estimated that approximately 13%of the US population regularly views Internet pornography,75% of whom are males."

Christian men also have issues with looking at pornography.A speaker at one Christian conference noted:"At a recent men's conference in Southern California,nine out of ten of the 565 men in attendance said thatlust, pornography, and fantasizing were the habitual, continual,or fatal disconnecting factor in their relationshipwith God."

These statistics are alarming. If 90 percent of the menat a Christian conference see this as a big issue in theirrelationship with God, we all need to take this war seriously.If we do not mobilize those of us who believe pornhurts, no one will grow. Even worse, Christian men couldeasily grow coldhearted and believe that viewing pornographyis not even a sin. The Word of God has severaladmonitions about lusting after women as sin, and yetpornography is corrupting even this most basic Christianbelief.

Women

Men today are not the only ones viewing pornography.In the last decade, my office treated more female sex addictsthan in the previous decade.

Clergy

The next category of porn viewers is pastors. Half ofthe pastors or their wives at churches where I have been amember have fallen to sexual sin during my thirty years as aChristian. This reflects our current reality; but thankfullymany pastors, priests, and clergy do not struggle in this area.

This is evident in statistics collected by Dr. Lynn AnneJoiner in her work, "Congregants' Responses to ClergyPornography Addiction":

Surveys of Protestant evangelical clergy in the UnitedStates reported that 33% to 43% admitted to viewingInternet pornography (Gardner, 2001; Reed 2001). Ofthese numbers, approximately 6% to 18% viewed pornographymultiple times per month and one survey cited37% of clergy who described Internet pornography as acurrent temptation (Reed, 2001).

The National Coalition for the Protection of Childrenand Families reports,

In an informal survey of pastors in Seattle, Washington,conducted by the National Coalition for the Protectionof Children and Families (2000), 11 percent of the 58pastors surveyed intentionally had accessed a sexuallyexplicit website; 9 percent viewed by choice andfelt that it may be a problem for them. Five thousandpastors were questioned through the website www.pastors.com, and 55 percent indicated that they hadvisited a pornographic site within the last year; 33percent had visited a sexually explicit site within theprevious three weeks.

According to national surveys by Christianity Todayand Leadership Journal, porn viewing is an issue for someclergy today.

In a nationwide survey conducted by Christianity Today,4 in 10 pastors with Internet access reported they havevisited a pornographic Web site ... and more than one-thirdhave done so in the past year. Slightly over half of thepastors (51%) say Internet pornography is a temptation forthem; 37% admit it is a current struggle. Among the laity,11% report at least occasionally viewing pornography.

I love pastors. While I was in seminary working on mymaster's in divinity degree, I was also an associate pastor. Ihave nothing but compassion for pastors who struggle withpornography or sexual issues. Over the past twenty-fiveyears, I have worked with many pastors who have gottenand stayed clean. I have seen their churches grow amazinglyafter they were free in this area of their lives. One counselorin my office has a telephone therapy group just for pastors,and he is so proud of those who walk out their purity alongsidetheir brothers and colleagues.

I also have great respect for pastors who have takensome heat for talking about these issues or starting groupsin their churches for men who struggle. Pastors are a majorpart of the solution to helping the bride of Christ becomeclean without stain. My hat is off to all of them. If you havea pastor, encourage him or her in the ministry of the localchurch.

Young People

A study done in 2009 by Deborah Braun-Courville andMary Rojas states that in the United States, the percentageof young people looking at sexually explicit material rangesfrom 56 percent to 86 percent of young men and 31 percentto 56 percent of young women. But apparently, "rates ofpornography use among females are increasing, with nearlyhalf of female adolescents reporting viewing pornographyin the past 6 months."

Viewing of pornography has ramifications. Youngpeople today have been impacted significantly by viewingpornography.

Pornography can affect each adolescent differently. Inyears of counseling I have seen many men significantlyattach to early images. This subject of the impact on adolescentswas also a discussion in the US Senate. The USSenate Subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rightsand Property welcomed Jill C. Manning's testimony on theimpact of pornography on family life in 2005. She offeredthis disturbing information:

When a child or adolescent is directly exposed to pornographythe following effects have been documented:

1. Lasting negative or traumatic emotional responses.

2. Earlier onset of first sexual intercourse, therebyincreasing the risk of STDs over the lifespan.

3. The belief that superior sexual satisfaction isattainable without having affection for one's partner,thereby reinforcing the commoditization ofsex and the objectification of humans.

4. The belief that being married or having a familyare unattractive prospects.

5. Increased risk for developing sexual compulsionsand addictive behavior.

6. Increased risk of exposure to incorrect informationabout human sexuality long before a minoris able to contextualize this information in waysan adult brain could.

7. And overestimating the prevalence of less commonpractices (e.g. group sex, bestiality, or sadomasochisticactivity).

In 2008 the National Campaign to Prevent Teenand Unplanned Pregnancy teamed up with the websiteCosmogirl.com to present a study on "Sex and Tech," whichoffers these statistics:

• 20% of teens overall have sent or posted videosor pictures of themselves that are either nude orseminude.

• 39% of teens post or send messages that are sexuallysuggestive.

• 71% of teen girls and 67% of teen guys say theyhave either posted or sent content that is sexuallysuggestive to a boyfriend/girlfriend.

• 21% of teen girls and 30% of teen boys have sentsexual content to a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

• 15% of teens have sent or posted nude/seminudeimages of themselves to someone they never met.

• 51% of teen girls as compared to 15% of teen boyssay pressure from the opposite sex is a reason theysend sexual messages or images.

• 23% of teen girls and 24% of teen boys say friendspressured them to post or send sexual content.

• 66% of teen girls and 60% of teen boys cite themost common reason for sending sexually suggestivecontent is to be "fun or flirtatious."

• 40% of teen girls say it was "a joke" to send sexuallysuggestive content, messages or images.

• 34% of teen girls say they "feel sexy" when theypost/send sexually suggestive content.

• 38% of teen girls and 39% of teen boys say theyhave had sexually suggestive e-mails or textsshared with them that were originally meant forsomeone else

• 25% of teen girls say they have had images that werenude or seminude shared with them that were originallymeant for someone else.

All the statistics we have covered are shocking, but especiallythose about our young people. They are the future of ourchurch and our society. If this trend continues, the majority ofyoung people will be scarred by the most diverse and perversepornography in world history. Now is the time to become andstay clean, and to give hope to our sons and daughters so theycan shine the light of Christ to their generation.

Wow. I know it's a different world from the way many ofus grew up. However, this is the real world, and the futuregenerations of the church are growing up in this unclean soil.

Let me digress for a minute and talk about soil, or "the land,"as the Bible refers to nations. Part of the reason I pennedthese pages is that I believe God is crying out for a cleannation to rise up and reclaim our unclean culture.

In Jeremiah 3:1, we read, "'If a man divorces his wife andshe leaves him and marries another man, should he return toher again? Would not the land be completely defiled? But youhave lived as a prostitute with many lovers—would you nowreturn to me?' declares the Lord."

And in verse 9 we read, "Because Israel's immoralitymattered so little to her, she defiled the land and committedadultery with stone and wood." These verses allude tothe fact that the immorality of the people affects God's perspectiveof the land. I want to take you even further throughthis principle, and explore how our sexuality affects God'sview of a land or a nation.

Leviticus probably isn't a book you spend a lot of timein, but there are some real jewels in its pages. In chapter 18you will find listed all the sex acts God disapproves of. Inshort, God says to only have sex with your wife. Verses 24and 25 say, "Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways,because this is how the nations that I am going to driveout before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled;so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out itsinhabitants."

God commands them not to be sexually immoral,because this is how the land became defiled or unclean.Then he says something really interesting. As the peopleare immoral, "the land" will vomit them out.

To reiterate his point to the Israelites that their sexualitydetermines whether or not a land is defiled or unclean,he says in verse 28, "And if you defile the land, it will vomityou out as it vomited out the nations that were before you."The consequences of making a land unclean is that theywould get kicked out of the land God wanted to give them.

Most men or pastors I share this with have never heardthat God looks at a land as clean or unclean based uponsexuality. This truth was verified several times as Israel wasforced to leave the physical land that they defiled in thismanner.

Sometimes, I feel we Christians are being kicked out ofour American culture. Our God has been taken out of ourschools, and his commandments have been taken out of ourcourthouses. Even his nativity scenes have been removedfrom some public places. I don't know about you, but it feelsas though we are being kicked out of our own land.

(Continues...)
(Continues...)Excerpted from Clean by Doug Weiss. Copyright © 2013 by Doug Weiss. Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson.
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