5.0 out of 5 stars A Life Changing Liberating Book

C.P. · 21 April 2015

(function() { P.when('cr-A', 'ready').execute(function(A) { if(typeof A.toggleExpanderAriaLabel === 'function') { A.toggleExpanderAriaLabel('review_text_read_more', 'Read more of this review', 'Read less of this review'); } }); })(); .review-text-read-more-expander:focus-visible { outline: 2px solid #2162a1; outline-offset: 2px; border-radius: 5px; } I recently found this brilliant book by Darlene Lancer and quickly realised it is probably the best 'self-help' book I have ever read, recommended or used (over a period of 40 years as a Psychologist). Both content and process are spot on and it is also a very readable and useful book.It covers the shame experience and escaping shame. On the practical side it sets out an 8 Steps to Free Your True Self. The Steps include 'Find Your True Self; Disarm Your Shame; Build Your Self-Esteem and Love Yourself.'Most if not all of us suffer shame during childhood and we continue to suffer 'Shame Attacks' as adults and these difficult early experiences and traumas blight our lives - sometime on a daily basis.This book is a reliable guide to understanding shame and codependency and how to bring about the changes necessary to find our true self and to live the life we truly deserve. Darlene explains the concrete steps we can all take to let go of shame and live a more fulfilled and zestful life.Whether you are a mental health practitioner or an individual looking to live a more fulfilling life this book can help you heal shame and codependency. I agree with Darlene that this is potentially one of the most liberating things you will ever do.This is a life changing book which everyone should read. This is likely to be the best money you have ever spent.Chartered PsychologistEngland

5.0 out of 5 stars A life-changing book

b. · 15 May 2022

I’ve read it twice now, once in paperback, once on the Kindle. The insights it contains are so powerful that I lent it to a friend who has also found it profoundly useful, and we are discussing it in great detail, both of us impressed by its revelations and keen to do ‘the work’ it advises.It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call it “life changing”.I’ve read a lot of psychology and self-help books in the last couple of years, and this stands head and shoulders above most of them, on a par with “Resilient” by Rick Hanson, “Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff and “Attached” by Levine and Heller. Well written, engaging, well organised and inspiring, I thoroughly recommend this book to anyone serious about healing themselves.

5.0 out of 5 stars Well thought out, insightful and often quite disturbing ...

S. · 22 November 2016

So what can I say about this book? It is well thought out, insightful and often quite disturbing. I say disturbing as the revelation of personal truths can sometimes be hard to take, but without accepting reality we will forever be trapped by the past, or our fear of the future. Has this book cured my codependency? No. Does it give me the tools to do so? Yes. Have I utilised these tools? Not as yet. I would say some of my codependency is due to a chronic illness which has often left me housebound for years on end, couple this with failure to launch due to said illness leads inevitably to low self confidence and low self esteem. I would say to anyone suffering from similar significant problems to accept that finding out you have something else wrong with you, and on such a fundamental level, could be a little too much to bear. There is another book by Darlene Lancer, that I would recommend before this one. Codependency for Dummies, which I found more structured and to my liking. Make no mistake, however, this book will enlighten you on parts of yourself you didn't know existed. It will explain why things go wrong in all areas of your life and what you can do to correct them. For me personally, I struggle to be able to function regardless of my codependency, so finding out you have another set of rules to live by is perhaps not for me, but that is not to say it wont be in the future. It could even be argued these rules, or life choices if you will, are more important to someone in my position than anyone else. In summation, if you want a book to help you understand codependency, Darlene Lancer is the author for you.

4.0 out of 5 stars Focuses on building your self esteem

g. · 22 January 2015

I stumbled across Darlene's website when googling 'emotional unavailable men'. Then came across her blog and opened up to many people in my predicament, meeting someone they thought was real, setting up and falling in love with a strong connection then to have it either fade or being promptly abandoned and you're left hurt and bewildered, believing the emotional connection was real. Her book is a real study of how and why we make these connections. For me it is down to a low self esteem believing we are not worthy of love and attracting someone who 'treats us as though we are unworthy of love and respect - just as we treat ourselves....We can only receive as much love as we feel we deserve.' This resonated with me. It also touches on those who either pursue or avoid intimate relationships (cling versus cold/distant) Her book has many exercises to work through so if you prepared to study your true self, you are on your way to recognising and conquering past relationship habits that are not healthy.

5.0 out of 5 stars At last a book about being truly human

A.C. · 10 August 2015

having been in therapy for two years I was starting to feel a bit lost and in the dark. My therapist mentioned several times the word shame. So I googled what shame means in therapeutic terms. This lead me to start reading this book which has really given my therapy an upwards turn. This book is written with immense knowledge on the subject of toxic shame in all areas of life and how it can create such disabling feelings and beliefs.I have found that since reading this book that it has finally cast a spotlight on the quagmire of my deepest beliefs about myself and how I can truly start to honour myself and challenge these crippling beliefs. I've found that a I am much more open to my therapy sessions and I actually feel a sense of hope. I can jot recommend this book highly enough. Each page is filled with wisdom. I feel armed to really Have the knowledge and tools to start to live my life from a much more healthier place.Some one give this lady a Nobel piece prize because I can sense the inner conflict in my life beginning to subside. Thank you so much Ms Lancer

5.0 out of 5 stars Incredibly helpful book

K.C. · 29 December 2024

I found this book incredibly helpful as a first step to better understanding myself and begin the road to recovery. I highly recommend.

A great read

S. · 29 July 2016

(function() { P.when('cr-A', 'ready').execute(function(A) { if(typeof A.toggleExpanderAriaLabel === 'function') { A.toggleExpanderAriaLabel('review_text_read_more', 'Read more of this review', 'Read less of this review'); } }); })(); .review-text-read-more-expander:focus-visible { outline: 2px solid #2162a1; outline-offset: 2px; border-radius: 5px; } Shame is a subject very close to my heart and is an ongoing journey for me. We all experience this strong emotion and it should be discussed more openly. How shame and co-dependency work together was truly insightful. A great read.

Un libro que ayuda

A.J. · 27 June 2015

Con la lectura de este maravilloso libro, uno va descubriendo secretos de sí mismo que desconoce. No sólo eso, también muestra la autora cómo ir venciendo poco a poco los demonios que, en mayor o menor medida, todos llevaos dentro.

Name of this book does not do it justice

E. · 15 March 2022

Honestly, this name should be called "Everyone must read me" because it touches on so many amazing human behaviours and personalities. I feel like I understand myself better and I feel like I understand others so much better too! 10/10 - highly recommend, not only if you want to make changes but if you want to see the world through a very clear, direct lense!

Nice Introduction to relationship implications

L. · 29 October 2016

Strongly recommend this book . Introduces the self and relationship implications of shame and codependency. It is quite detailed in its description of the wide variety of symptoms and how to recover from them.

Completely opened my eyes to my own codependency and the shame that permeates my world...

w. · 31 May 2020

It was relatable, authentic and easy to read - which is rare in many self-help books. From her own experiences that she shares in the book as well as her grasp of shame and codependency leave no doubt that Darlene is a true expert in this field. Even though this book feels targeted towards people that have a high level of codependency, I feel like it is applicable to everyone, as we all struggle with shame, identity and self esteem in some way or another.Early on in the book, Darlene writes, "Helping people uncover and recover their true self and proudly stand up for who they are, without apology, is what I'm most passionate about." This rings true throughout the book. I feel more aware of who I am, I am more aware of the shame that presses down on me and I feel like I have more permission to be who I am and assert myself.I appreciate how most of the book really dives into the detail of the problem - of identifying shame and exploring codependency so deeply before moving on to the final chapter that contains the "8 Steps to Free Your True Self." Nothing was gimmicky and came across as solid principles that I can work with.For example, here is an excerpt from the final chapter under Step 7: Build Your Self-Esteem: "Being assertive involves risk, which is essential to sharing feelings and communicating needs in a manner that provides empowerment and safety. Essentially, this means taking positions, making requests, setting boundaries, and conveying our own thoughts and feelings without commenting on or evaluating someone else's. Developing our true self and self-esteem also requires taking action by becoming more autonomous:Learning skills, accomplishing goals, and having interests, Supportive friends, and pleasurable hobbies.Easy? No. Gimmicky? No. True? Yes.Here are some other excerpts that really hit home for me:"Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another." (pp 14)"To feel truly loved, we must believe we're accepted for who we are, not who our parents [or anyone else] prefers." (pp 27)"Alone, we feel empty or depressed, so we may be attracted to the enlivening effect of relationships filled with conflict and drama." (pp 30)"Yet, whatever we deny, repress, or suppress doesn't just go away. Instead, unbeknownst to us, it influences our behavior." (pp 51)"Withdrawal doesn't stop our feelings of unworthiness, and we risk being lonely at the cost of comfort and support of close, interdependent relationships." (pp 53)"Once in treatment for my eating disorder, I discovered that dieting, food, and weight were not the issue. I was trying to fill a void that food could not possibly touch - soul hunger." (pp 82)"If the deepest despair is the loss of our real self, the solution is to assume responsibility and choose to live authentically: to become our real self." (pp 85)"Self-criticism" may be a thorn in our side, nit it is also one of the first things we can change to improve our self-esteem." (pp 96)"We attempt to control in order to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings, our actions, and the unmet needs that cause us unhappiness. We either adjust to others or think others should adjust to us. This is an unconscious, compulsive process that differs form acceptance, self-care, and healthy compromise, which are necessary in relationships." (pp 114)